I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Less talking, more tequila
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL