I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.