OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.