I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across