you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.