yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?