Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.