i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?