I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...