If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Did you poop on the roof?
Is that a no?
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Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?