We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.