If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.