Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.