if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note