I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.