You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
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