I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks