Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??