How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
It takes talent let's just say that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit