I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.