I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.