I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.