I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.