I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Loading more great texts...