Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Loading more great texts...