I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.