I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.