Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Washington (509)

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  Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.

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  (509): Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it. http://tfl.nu/l3y2
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  btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...

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  gifts from me to you. you're welcome.

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  (509): btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body... (480): gifts from me to you. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/tkbz
  Replies (2) Good night (782) Bad night (169)
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  You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?

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  (509): You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you? http://tfl.nu/3xdc
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  I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.

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  (509): I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool. http://tfl.nu/4gt2
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  If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die

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  (509): If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die http://tfl.nu/9v9m
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  In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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  (509): In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married? http://tfl.nu/eg0w
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  He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.

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  (509): He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him. http://tfl.nu/5ca1
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  Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.

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  (509): Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option. http://tfl.nu/ikne
  Replies (3) Good night (288) Bad night (186) Order T-Shirt
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  This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.

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  (509): This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats. http://tfl.nu/orv1
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  There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!

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  (509): There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar! http://tfl.nu/gi23
  Replies (3) Good night (583) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did

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  (509): So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did http://tfl.nu/hjy4
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  You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.

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  Yes talking about pockets is classic me.

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  (509): You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away. (1-509): Yes talking about pockets is classic me. http://tfl.nu/k75f
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  I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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  (509): I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?' http://tfl.nu/4a3m
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  Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane

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  (509): Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane http://tfl.nu/c9oo
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  Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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  (509): Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen http://tfl.nu/7gtm
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