I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Loading more great texts...