Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
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