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Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
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