How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I want a musical about memes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.