I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.