I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.