I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
TSA found the edibles
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!