I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine