Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.