my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!