I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.