No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Send us your Text From Last Night!
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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