We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.