Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.