I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.