So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man