.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just gargled with NyQuil