Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket