Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
28 â€˜Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweetsâ€™ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.