Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.