"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.