In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
last night I used snow as a chaser
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.