I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?