I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.