Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week