Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.