he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.