Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run