In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually