did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.