You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...