What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.