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Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
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