she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial