Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power