theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt