I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had