Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.