Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
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She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.