Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death