worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
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