Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room