His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”