Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha