I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.