How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word