I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.