Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Illinois (847)

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  My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.

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  (847): My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital. http://tfl.nu/g98t
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  bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.

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  May the force be with you.

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  (847): bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died. (309): May the force be with you. http://tfl.nu/776r
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  I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?

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  (847): I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now? http://tfl.nu/ffln
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  They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs

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  (847): They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs http://tfl.nu/t67m
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  I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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  (847): I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message. http://tfl.nu/fe15
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  I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce

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  (847): I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce http://tfl.nu/nrhe
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  Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday

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  (847): Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday http://tfl.nu/gokz
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  Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.

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  (847): Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party. http://tfl.nu/n2f5
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  I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.

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  (847): I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B. http://tfl.nu/1rlu
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  Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun

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  (847): Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun http://tfl.nu/7pg6
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  How was it playing wingman?

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  I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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  (847): How was it playing wingman? (312): I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed http://tfl.nu/t31c
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  I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.

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  (847): I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday. http://tfl.nu/imb1
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  Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window

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  (847): Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window http://tfl.nu/ubwd
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  Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.

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  (847): Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs. http://tfl.nu/vh12
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  I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.

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  (847): I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low. http://tfl.nu/gpfm
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