His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.