I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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