you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
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