i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊