He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it