Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "