After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.