This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint