I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
ok first of all what the fuck
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.