It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together