Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.