You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.