Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.