Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.