Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream