If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.