90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day