To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dating After Heartbreak
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous