My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.