sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
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Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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