Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude