You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She's allergic to latex.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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