You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
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it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
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