Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.