There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer