I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.