Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
21 Most Ridiculous Responses to a Gay Man Coming Out
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.