i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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