definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
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