I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.