Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean